THE WAITING ROOM DILEMMA

Our appointment started out so happily. My husband and I signed in, got our paperwork, sat down, and began the wait to get our first ultrasound. It's the Tuesday after Mother's Day and I'm wearing my new "mama" necklace that Mason got me to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I'm excited to wear this necklace and see the first pictures of our baby, to officially be a 'mama'.

Once we're in the exam room, I lay down on the table and Mason takes the chair beside me, with hands held together, we look up at the screen. There it is, our sweet, sweet baby boy. On the enlarged screen, he looks like a full sized baby even though in reality he's no large than a fist. There was so much joy packed into those few seconds we first saw our baby. So, when the tech initially said she's having a difficult time finding heart tones, I barely even register what that meant. I'm so overjoyed to see my baby, how could something interrupt this moment?

However it did get interrupted, there truly were no heart tones for our baby boy. For me, this is my first ultrasound, it's only 8 weeks and a few days I had no idea no heart tones was a bad things. Within seconds, true seconds, this appointment that I felt the most joy I thought I possible could made me feel the most pain I've ever experienced.

We're escorted to another exam room to talk more in depth about this pregnancy and ultimately about this ultrasound. In truth, while the tech has said there were no heart tones, I truly doubted all she said, I needed someone else to say it, and they finally did.

"This pregnancy has terminated. We can count this as your second loss."

That's it. That's what we're told and now our lives are forever changed. Will I ever look at this clinic the same again?

Fast forward 3 days, I come back for a confirmation appointment, and here comes the worst part. Walking in the doors. My mom with me, I walk in, I immediately feel the weight of the world on my chest. Not only was this the place we had the most heart breaking news, but this is also the place where every pregnant women, or women trying to become pregnant, come. I sit down and the tears well up, my heart is racing, and my mind is scattered. What do I do?

I've now been faced with this same emotion, and question, every single time I go into the women's clinic. I postpone appointments, dread visits, and cry in my car every time now. 

In the months after our initial visit, I have found small ways to the visits less painful, but the pain and memories are still there. I bring a book now to read when I have to go alone, wait until the absolute last minute to check in, sit in the back, prayer lots of it while waiting, I now try to come with someone to each visit, but none of these change the fact that this place has become something entirely new to me. This place that I used to be so excited I was visiting, now only feels dead to me.

In all truth I don't know how to 'solve' this new problem. I just pray I'm not the only one with the same struggle, and if you're wondering the same thing please know that I'm right there with you. I'm praying for us both, praying that this new anxiety will dissipate, praying that we'll see the waiting rooms as just another room again, and praying we'll find healing along the way.